Joy in My Heart

Well I feel like I blinked and Grace will be 5 months old in 10 days. Time goes by too quickly. But she is growing and beautiful and so much fun. She is really the best baby and bring so much joy to our lives.  

I love being her mommy.

We talk a lot. I tell her lots of stories. She is a great babbler. I'm working on getting her to say Mama.

I really hope she says Mama before she says Biscuit (our nickname for her). I guess Dada would be okay, though.

She is a very fashionable dresser. We have fun picking out her outfit everyday. She loves getting her diaper changed. She is not a big fan of baths.

She loves her bumbo seat. She also loves the playmat.

She is sleeping through the night (pretty much). We are very lucky.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world when I walk into her room to wake her up in the morning and she looks up at me and smiles like I'm her favorite person in the world.

The feeling is mutual.

I love you Grace!

Love,

Mommy

One Month and reaching the due date: An update!

On this past Thursday, we reached Grace's one month birthday! And tomorrow is Grace's due date. It's incredibly difficult for me to imagine what it would have been like to still have her in my tummy right now, but if everything had gone the way I thought it would, she would have most likely still been in there. I'm so grateful that she is already here. we know that she is healthy--a bit on the small side, but strong and full of life. Sometimes there is a bigger plan for us that may seem scary and difficult at the time, but things work out the way they are meant to.

On her one month birthday, Corey brought a carrot cake cupcake home from work and we had a little celebration. We also took some cute pictures of her with a stuffed bunny in her chair. I know it's just one month, but we think it is a big deal that she is doing so great at this point. She isn't even really supposed to be here yet, so to have her in our lives and being such a great "grown up" baby is such a blessing. You have to celebrate the little things in life!

Grace has enriched our lives in so many ways. She is so beautiful that Corey and I often just sit and stare at her, then look at each other and ask how we got so lucky. Her skin is like silk and her fingers are long and delicate. Her hair is dark, but we are noticing more and more golden tones there. She has tiny little ears and a perfect nose and mouth. The shape of her eyes is just like her daddy and she looks like a little lamb when she sleeps.

She makes the cutest noises--sometimes she chortles and it sounds like Beavis or Butthead. She makes these little sighing noises when she is eating sometimes. She also does a panting thing when she is eating which is super cute but was a little alarming at first (talked to the Pediatrician, totally normal). It makes her sound like a puppy.

She's really funny about her getting her diaper changed. Most of the time, if she has a poopy diaper, she will cry like someone is pinching her until someone changes it. But she cries a lot more when we change a wet diaper than a dirty one--most of the time during a poopy diaper, she just looks around with her eyes wide open, happy as a clam. She has had a few horrifying poopy diapers--last night we literally cut her onesie off because it was already ruined by the poop coming up out of her diaper and we didn't want to have to pull it over her head. Oh, the things you will do and talk about when you are a parent.

She is slowly growing out of her preemie clothes. Some of her nicer preemie outfits still fit, but she has grown out of most of her preemie Carters outfits. She is in newborn diapers (although they are a bit big on her).

She eats about 3 ounces at a time, sometimes more. At night, she will usually sleep a good 3-4 hour stretch now, which is wonderful.

On Wednesday the 14th, I had an appointment for a check up with my OB, and Grace's pediatrician wanted me to drop by and get her weighed. She weighed 5 pounds and 9 ounces! She has been consistently gaining an ounce a day. Last night my mom and Corey used a tape measurer and found that she is now 19 inches long! She is growing so fast and that makes me so happy--I'm so grateful that she likes to eat!

Grace loves her swing. She loves to be swaddled. She loves to be held and she loves to be held while we walk around the house--apparently she is a fan of changing scenery.

Over the last week, we've been taking Grace to do more and more things out and about. On Thursday, we went on a stroll in her awesome stroller over to the mailbox.

I know that is not a big deal for most, but it has been such a crazy month that I hadn't done that at all. Between her being in the hospital for the first 5 days of life, then bringing her home and getting used to the new routine with a newborn and sleep deprivation, all while recovering from a c-section, it took me awhile to get to that place. But going out to do that instantly made me feel better and Gracie seemed to like it, too. Walks (or even jogs!) are going to be one of our daily activities (on good weather days!).

On Friday, my mom and sister and I all hung out and we took Gracie to her first restaurant--Olive Garden. It was a little intimidating, but we got through it. We sat in a booth and I just put her in her carseat next to me. There were two sets of children at nearby tables, and one of the tables of children were little hellions. They screamed the entire time and they were not babies (although one of them had a pacifier in at 5 years old). The moms that were there with them did nothing to correct them and didn't take them out of the restaurant. Then, when Gracie finally woke up after they screamed for a good hour, the mothers sent the little girl with the pacifier over to apologize for waking the baby up. Of course she immediately tried to touch the baby and her mom did the whole "No, don't do that" thing without moving. Grrr

On Saturday, Corey and I went and did some shopping with her and went to another restaurant for lunch. That went very smoothly and I was so happy we did it.

It feels good to go out and do things with her. She seems to like it/do well with it and it is so great for my mental health. In the last couple of weeks, I really feel like I'm getting more and more comfortable with being a mommy and I feel so much more like myself.

I'm so glad to be Gracie's mommy and to be living the life I always dreamed of. We are so lucky!

Love,

 Elizabeth

Gracie Girl is here! Here is the Birth Story..and the story about what happened after that!

Warning--this is super long and took me forever to write! There are probably several errors as I've been writing this over several days (weeks even) and I'm sleep deprived and distracted, but it will have to work for now. I've got to get this out!

This update is long overdue. It's been a busy time to say the least! Our beautiful baby girl is here! In fact, she arrived the evening of my last post (2/15)--it's very funny to read that now! Our birth story is long and emotional and I'm going to do my best to sum it all up, but before I get to that, would you like to see a picture of our sweet Gracie?

She's pretty adorable.

So on the evening of February 15th, I finished my blogging and was working on other projects on my laptop. My mom came to spend the night at the hospital so Corey could have a night of rest at home and we were planning to work on getting my taxes done and other projects. Corey came by to see me on his way home from work, and then my Dad stopped by to see us on his way home. My best friend Meredith was on her way to come visit. At about 7, Corey was just about to head home when Dr. O came by again unexpectedly. She said that she had talked to the perinatologist that I had seen the week before and he was concerned about my platelet count being so low. She said that he recommended delivering as soon as possible to avoid possible complications. She said that they would do an urgent check of my platelet count, but that she thought we would be delivering that night. I immediately started shaking. I was so worried.

I couldn't believe it. Earlier that same day she had said that I would probably be delivering at 37 weeks and now we were going to deliver that night (at 35 weeks, 1 day)?

The platelet count came back 30 higher than they had been earlier that day, but the train was already moving, and when I asked if there was anyway we could wait until the next morning, I was quickly redirected.

People were soon buzzing around me like bees. I was getting asked questions by the nurses like "what are you allergic to?" and "have you been shaved?" (sorry, TMI, I know), signing papers that pretty much said they could kill me and that would be okay and being talked to by the anesthesiologist all at the same time.

Signing my life away

Corey getting ready for the c-section

That is definitely fear in my eyes.

 My best friend Meredith showed up while the doctor was in the room telling me that I was going to deliver that night. When she came in the room after that set in, we talked and she told me with tears in her eyes that in the way over to the hospital, she noticed that the sky was pink and she thought it was for Gracie (my sister Meredith said the exact same thing back in October on the morning we found out we were having a girl). She was a very calming presence to have around and I'm glad she was there. My mom called my sister and she and my brother in law came over and were there for a few minutes before I went back.

Let me just say, there is a lot about my birth experience that I'm not thrilled with. It's not as if I had my heart set on a birth plan or anything like that. I had already resigned myself to the fact that I was having a C-section since she was frank breech. I wasn't expecting the birth experience to be a dream-come-true, pleasurable experience. I just wish that I had been more assertive about asking to delay until the next morning. I also wish that I had insisted on the opinion of another perinatologist. I wish I had had more than a moment to say goodbye to my pregnant body. I wish that I hadn't felt like I was on a death march on my way to the operating room.

But, that didn't happen and we are both okay. That is what matters. A lot of my inability to ask those questions or be insistent on those things was motivated by fear of the unknown. My doctor had tried to explain to me and my family why it was important for us to go ahead and deliver and the explanation involved the placenta detaching and worries about mortality. So although I was so worried about her being delivered at 35 weeks, 1 day, the alternative was too scary to think about.

As I already mentioned, the walk to the operating room felt like a death march. I was so worried about what was going to happen. Would my baby cry when she was born? Would the anesthesia work? (I've had some issues with anesthesia in the past) Would Gracie have to go to the NICU? Would we get to leave the hospital with her or would we be coming to visit her there for weeks? The uncertainty was overwhelming.

I sat up on the table and Dr. O held me forward while the anesthesiologist did the injection in my back (which seemed to take Forever). I was shaking and told her "I don't feel ready for this." She said "Nobody ever is."

Corey finally got to come back and join me after what seemed like an hour, and even though I felt super cold and shaky, he made me feel so much better. He held my hand. I felt completely numb from the chest down.

The crew of nurses and doctors were wonderful and reassuring as well. There was a wonderful male anaesthesiology nurse who stayed by my head the whole time, and a lot of the time leading up to Corey's arrival, and he was so calming and helped make sure I was okay and comfortable. Maybe I'm crazy, but I have never done any research on any of the details of what happens on the other side of that blue sheet during a c-section. I just think there are some things I don't need to know. But the whole group of people working on me down there were great about not letting on if they were taking out any of my organs and/or seeing my guts.

It wasn't long before Dr. O said "we're almost there." Then suddenly, at 8:10 PM, she said "Oh, Elizabeth, here she is! She looks just like your husband!" She also said "Oh, she's a fighter"--apparently my daughter started grabbing their instruments on her way out of the womb. That's my girl! The nurses and doctors said, "Dad, look, look!" He looked, and he swears to me that he didn't notice any of the gross stuff, because all he saw was his daughter. He immediately said "Oh, Lizzie, she is so pretty! She's so pretty! It's a girl! She's so pretty!" (He knows me well. I'm going to be honest. Up until the day she was born I was certain that we were going to end up with a surprise boy since I wanted a girl so bad. It was also reassuring to know that she is pretty).

 A second later, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard--a loud screech! Our baby girl's lungs were working! Then, another second later, they held Grace's face over the blue sheet and my world changed instantly. She was beautiful--her face was all scrunched up and wrinkly, and she was sticking her tongue out and screaming at the top of her lungs, but she was pink and wiggly and had lots of hair and just absolutely perfect. There are no words to capture the emotion in that moment.

They whisked her over to the side and weighed her--4 pounds and 11 ounces--we didn't quite get to 5 pounds, but I felt like it was respectable for 5 weeks early and a pre-eclampsia pregnancy. She was 17 1/4 inches long. She scored 8 and 9 on the APGAR. They had to use a little bit of oxygen at that point and said they were going to take her to NICU. I was surprised to find that I was relieved that they were taking her there. Once I met her, I couldn't stand the idea of her not being monitored constantly to make sure she was okay, so NICU sounded good to me in that moment.

Gracie crying while she gets weighed.

 Corey brought her over to me, and the male anaesthesiology nurse took our first family photos. I couldn't get over how beautiful she was or how much she looked like her Daddy. Corey went with her and Dr. O instructed them to take the baby down the hall past my family (this is apparently not standard protocol). I'm grateful for that.

Our first family photo!

Our beautiful girl

Holding onto her Daddy's finger.

After she was born and Corey left with her, there was a period of loneliness and then I was really freaking scared. They put me back together, which seemed to take forever, all the while chatting away. Dr. O went on and on about how she couldn't believe I have a baby and have been married for 5 years (she has been my gynecologist for years). I couldn't focus on anything other than Grace. I wanted to see her. I wanted to hold her as soon as possible. Was she still okay? Had my parents seen her yet?

Eventually, they rolled me back down the hall to my room, past my mom and dad, Meredith and Cam, and my friends Meredith and Lindsey. The nurses were doing lots of wrap up paperwork so they closed the door so I stayed in the room by myself with them. All I wanted was to see my family and ask them how Grace was doing and what they thought, but the nurses told me that I needed to spend a few minutes alone first. I worried that meant something was wrong.

Finally, I insisted that they bring someone in my family back there--I told them that I knew my parents would be worried that they couldn't see me. The nurses were really nice and let me have them come in, and from then on I had people come back two at a time. My parents came back and talked about seeing her and how beautiful she is. They had gone back to NICU to see her, and let me know that she was doing well. They also mentioned that because it is flu season they only allow parents and grandparents back to see babies in NICU. My sister and Cam came back and talked with me after that. Lindsey and Meredith came back and talked with me as well. I found out later that Cam and Lindsey missed seeing her when they rolled her down the hall.

Eventually, Corey came back and showed me pictures of her. She was so gorgeous. The whole time, in between visitors, I was asking the nurses if they could check on how Grace was doing. Poor Corey felt obligated to spend time with me and her. My instructions were for him to spend as much time as possible with her.

My parents visiting Grace in the NICU

 Eventually, my nurse took pity on me and asked her supervisor if they could roll me down the hallway to NICU and have me see the baby. They rolled me on down. It was amazing--even though I was in a drugged haze, that is one of my most vivid memories ever. I could barely see her under her heating lamp, so I just rubbed her foot.

Rubbing her foot

 The NICU nurse looked at me holding onto her foot and I must have looked pretty pitiful, because she took Grace out of the bassinet and laid her next to me in my bed. I held onto her, all bundled up, and felt overwhelmed with emotion.

Not the best picture, but as you can see, lots of emotion going on here!

 It was a long road to get there, but we finally had our baby. She was in the NICU, but she seemed remarkably healthy. And she was teeny, but absolutely beautiful. They rolled me back to my room, and I cried the whole way. I hadn't cried the whole time I was in the operating room. Sometimes experiences are just too overwhelming for me to cry during, you know?

This is a sweet moment-Corey, my dad and Cam toasting Gracie's arrival.

I laid awake for hours after my visit to the NICU. My mind was racing, and I don't think the meds helped much. I finally requested Benadryl at about 4 and slept for an hour and a half. I continued to ask my poor nurse (Ms. Margaret, the same nurse who had gone with me to my C-Section and who requested my trip to the NICU) about Gracie everytime she visited.

The next morning, one of my many regular nurses came in and started talking to me about breast feeding. She got a breast pump and we got started. I already was able to pump a little bit which I thought was promising. Then Corey got to take me down to the NICU in a wheelchair and I got to see her again. She was so amazingly beautiful and was doing really well. 

This picture was taken when she was one day old. I look so tired and so drugged.

From the beginning, they said that her lungs were doing so great they hadn't had to use any support since in the operating room. They still had her in the warmer but said soon they would see if she could mantain body temperature on her own. The main other factor was to see how she could feed. They had her on an IV of sugar water. I tried to feed her immediately, and she seemed to latch. We worked with the fabulous lactation consultants the whole time we were in the hospital and they were truly a big help. The majority of the NICU nurses were amazing.

Gracie in the NICU

Later that day they let me walk to the NICU. From then on, I was walking down there every chance I could. People have asked me a lot about how I recovered from my surgery so quickly and if I was in pain. My nurses were constantly trying to get me to take more pain pills when I was in the hospital. I was also still dealing with severe swelling and high blood pressure-pre-eclampsia doesn't go away instantly when you have a baby (unfortunately). It can take up to 6 weeks post-pregnancy to go away. First of all, it just felt amazing to be able to walk somewhere beside the bathroom for the first time in 6 days. But really, all I can tell you is that having a baby who needed me was the ultimate reason to forget about all of that and just move forward. I know (and I truly do believe) that as a mom, you have to take care of yourself to take care of your child. But when I was with Grace in the NICU, I felt such a connection to her. And I felt that she needed me there as much as possible. That connection was just as strong when I was away from her. It felt like it was pulling me towards her at all times. I honestly believe that the time we spent together was the most healing time for both of us.

Gracie and I bonding and healing.

 And so, even though I was completely sleep deprived and there were times when I felt really sore, how could I not want to walk over there as fast as possible to see my baby and make sure she was okay and doing everything in my power to get her better? I think putting the focus on her was the best thing for me and my body.

Minor digression--we started a pattern of going to the NICU every three hours to feed Grace. Breastfeeding has been a continued issue and we are still supplementing a bit with formula, which we started doing two days after she was born. We "triple feed" which means we start with breastfeeding, then feed her a bottle full of expressed milk, and then feed her formula to supplement whatever else she needs. I think we are on the road to it getting better, but it has been a process--in part because of her being premature and not having fully developed jaw muscles (it makes it harder for her to feed) and possibly because of nipple confusion. She also may have been hindered a little bit by having an attached frenulum (i.e.--tongue tied) which we just got clipped this past Friday.

Gracie eating

Back to the days right after her birh--they flew by in a blur of feedings in the middle of the night and throughout the day. I was discharged from the hospital on Sunday, February 19th--it was torture for us to think about leaving the hospital without her, but I will admit to feeling a little bit of cabin fever after 10 days in the hospital, 6 of which were on bedrest. Gracie was doing so well, and the nurses and doctors in NICU said that it seemed like she would be discharged in the next couple of days. She had done great with being taken off the warmer and was eating like a champ after an inital pretty steep weight loss in those first couple of days. She had been taken off of the IV during the night on Saturday.  

Our hospital NICU has an amazing "rooming in" program from NICU parents. It is a program where as parents, you can stay in the hospital for free in a special room they have set up next to the NICU (it looks like a hotel room). They allow parents to stay in that room for up to three days so that the baby can stay in the room with them and be near the NICU. That way, if any questions or worries come up during the night, the parents can call the NICU staff. They can also come in a couple of times during the night to check vital signs and get the baby's weight. We were absolutely thrilled when they encouraged us to stay that night and told us we might be able to bring her home on Monday or Tuesday. I prayed and prayed that would happen.

So that Sunday, after I had been discharged, I went out for a couple of hours with my family. We went back to our house, I put together a bag for us to take back to the hospital, we went out to a mexican restaurant and had a bite to eat. It felt amazing to do "normal" things for a little bit. Then Corey and I went back to the hospital and went to the NICU and brought her back to our "hotel room". My sister and Cam, who hadn't gotten to hold her yet, came to visit and spent some time getting to know their neice. It was really magical!

Meredith and Cam holding Grace

After that, the nurse came in to talk to us for a bit about what to do. There were a few times that night that I couldn't believe they were letting us stay alone with her in the room with no monitors or anything. I barely slept and checked if she was breathing about 50 times that night. But we made it through and it was the perfect transition into bringing her home.

Gracie and me sleeping on our "rooming in" night

The next day, after they checked her out, she was okayed by the nurse practioner to go home. It was the best feeling! We packed up, put her in her preemie coming home outfit--which was still a little on the big side but oh so cute (and purchased by my mom and sister in the days after she was born) and waited. And waited some more. Hours went by.

Gracie in her going home outfit

The nurse practioner had left the hospital and we were left waiting for hours for her to sign off on the paperwork to go home. We had a nurse we had never dealt with before who wore clown-ish makeup. She was very little help and had zero suggestions for a way to speed things up. At a certain point, I just broke down. I was so tired and all I wanted was to bring my baby home. I couldn't believe that we had gotten this close and were still having to wait.

It was honestly a combination of those wonderful postpartum hormones, sleep deprivation and the emotional upheaval of all that we had gone through in those weeks. I went into the NICU unit and asked what was taking so long (and got reprimanded for taking my daughter into the unit in my arms instead of her bassinet. Really? So. Stupid. Especially since we had matching bracelets). Then I went back to our room and just cried and cried about the injustice of it all and picked a fight with Corey. Because that's how I roll (just kidding). I think it's pretty amazing that I made it that far without having that kind of breakdown, but apparently 11 days and 6 hours is my limit and after that my patience expires and I lose it.

Anyway, the nurse practioner magically appeared within minutes and after a few minutes of minor details and paperwork said "Mom, is everything okay?" I wanted to say "No, you left the hospital for hours and we've been waiting to go home and now we have to go home in rush hour traffic and if we get into an accident I'm going to sue you" (very rational, I know), but instead I said "Oh yeah, I'm fine, just a little emotional." That kind of sums it up, I guess.

Anyway, we finally got to leave and bring our baby home. It was a magical feeling.

Getting in the car to go home!

My mom and sister came to help take pictures and video of the occasion. Corey drove like an old man and I sat in the back with my beautiful baby girl in the seat and gazed at her.

Holding Grace's hand.

It's amazing all of the firsts--her first time riding in a car--her first time outside! Her first time in the home! Meeting her kitty sister and brother! It's a really beautiful thing to create a tiny person and see their life begin.

Bringing her in the house!

Our little family at our little home.

She has a little personality-I feel like she came out of the womb with it. She is strong-willed and easy-going all at the same time. She has the most amazing facial expressions.

Beauty

She has her daddy wrapped around her finger.

Official Daddy's Girl

She has us all wrapped around her long elegant baby fingers. I don't remember what life was like before her and I don't want to.

I'm going to do my best to keep updating this blog along the way. We've also started a family blog to share pictures and videos. We just posted some of our newborn shots that were taken by a great photographer Rachel Parkhurst last week, but I will leave you with just a few of my favorites.

Grace was in all her steps,
heaven in her eye,
in every gesture dignity and love.

-John Milton

Our happy family

Thanks for reading--you are amazing if you made it through this!
Love,
Elizabeth, aka Grace's Mommy

Pre-Eclampsia: I have it

Where to start? My mom says that I should define pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia or preeclampsia is a medical condition in which hypertension (i.e. high blood pressure) arises in pregnancy (pregnancy-induced hypertension) in association with significant amounts of protein in the urine.

We went for an ultrasound on Wednesday at my OB where they were going to check the growth, and Gracie had dropped from the 24th percentile to the 13th percentile. She had gained about a pound, but obviously the drop in percentile was concerning. My doctor was out of town (ugh) so I saw one of her partners, who reminded me of Billy Bob Thornton. They took my blood pressure (normal) and my weight (which said I had gained 5 pounds in the last week). I was surprised by the amount I had gained but figured it was because I was weighed on a different scale than I normally weigh there. Due to some mixed messages, they didn't actually take a urine sample that day.

The doctor I saw said it was a concern, but we weren't in dire straights until she dropped under the 10th percentile. He sent me to the perinatologist that day--I wasn't able to get into the same one I've seen twice before, so I saw another one (that I didn't like as much). He also agreed that it wasn't a concern until she dropped under the 10th percentile. My frustration was 1) why do you wait until you hit rock bottom to do something and 2) why can't anyone tell me what's causing this? I was very upset by everything that day. All that they told me was to come back in 2 weeks for a growth scan.

Apparently you can't do growth scans more frequently than that (which is super frustrating).

I already had an appointment scheduled with my OB for Friday, so I went in with three pages of notes and the intent that we were going to leave with a plan. They took my urine sample and my blood pressure before I saw the doctor. My blood pressure was higher than average--my blood pressure normally runs on the low side, so I noticed and made Corey right it down.

Then Dr. O came in and said there was protein in my urine (+2) for the first time ever with them testing it. She did a Blood Pressure check as well and it was even higher than it had been with the medical assistant. All my questions, some of which I had already started into, were no longer the focus of the appointment. She told me that she thought I might have pre-eclampsia and that we needed to do some further testing. She wanted to do another biophysical profile (with the ultrasound) and then send me over to the hospital (which is next door to her office) to monitor my blood pressure for awhile and do a non-stress test. She said that she would likely put me on bed rest through the weekend and have me come back to her office on Monday for further testing.

She said that this could definitely be the cause of all of the issues we've been dealing with in the last 4 weeks. She said that sometimes, the blood vessels will be affected internally and cause problems with the placenta. The placenta can then cause low amniotic fluid and the baby's growth before it shows up with the classic external signs--i.e., high blood pressure and protein in the urine.

Corey and I both looked at each other after she left the room and talked about how relieved we were--finally, an explanation for what might be the root cause of the issues. I had heard of pre-eclampsia and I know people who survived to tell the tale and have very healthy happy children, so I knew that it can often be managed with bed-rest.

We went for our biophysical profile ultrasound, and the baby looked great. Then we went over to the hospital and they started monitoring my blood pressure. The also did a blood test. Once the blood test results came back, Dr. O came to visit us and told us she wanted me to stay overnight to do a 24-hour urine collection (gross) to get a better idea of how things look and see where we should go from there. I was a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to go home, but prepared to stay and do whatever we needed to find out what we needed to do.

The next day, which was Saturday, was covered by the on-call doctor--who happens to be my doctor's husband. This was my first time meeting him, and I liked him a lot. He's very focused and detailed which appeals to my need for data and information. He also gets the opportunity to talk to my doctor at home about what is going on, which I like. After we got the urine collection done, he made the decision to keep me in the hospital another day for observation. My numbers definitely made it clear that I had pre-eclampsia, my blood pressures were still fairly unpredictable, and they didn't feel comfortable sending me home. They still don't, and I'm 99.9% certain I will be in here until Baby Gracie is here.

Since Saturday, I've done 2 more 24-hour urine collections. They've taken my blood 3 times now (and will again tomorrow). They test my blood pressure every 4 hours and they do Non-Stress Tests twice a day. The baby is still looking fantastic. My blood pressure is really good sometimes, and other times it's totally crazy, but never at the levels that they send you straight to delivery for. And every day it seems there is another concern with something that comes back from my labs. My creatinin clearance is higher than normal, definitely in the pre-eclampsia range, but it isn't at the point that they have to deliver. My platelets are low, but not low enough to where they would deliver. Some of my other numbers are a bit wonky. I've got the swelling associated with pre-eclampsia. I haven't been dealing with any headaches which is good and I'm not seeing spots. So far, so good.

So basically, we are in a holding pattern. I'm getting to know the nurses. The baby is still breech, so I will likely be having a c-section. The latest I will go is 37 weeks (February 28th) but if enough things are a concern or one of my numbers gets too low or high (depending on what it is supposed to be) than it's show time for me. I am absolutely thrilled that we got to the 35 week point. I'm nervous we won't get to 36 weeks, and in some ways, I'm also nervous that we will go all the way to 37 weeks with me still in here--I want to do everything I can for the health of my baby, but 2 weeks more in here might send me to the looney bin (I say that, but honestly, if I could get to 37 weeks, it would be a very good thing and I'm willing to do it if I'm able to based on labs and my symptoms).

So now, here I sit in my hospital bed. 35 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Thrilled that I didn't have a Valentine's Day baby. While this isn't what I envisioned I would be doing in my last few weeks of pregnancy, there is only so much you can control. I am trying to look on the bright side of things as much as I can and trying not to let myself go to some of the scary places my brain can go. I'm trying not to think about what eclampsia means (seizures). I'm trying not to worry about my baby possibly having to spend weeks in NICU if she is born with problems related to prematurity. I'm trying not to cry my eyes out about how much I miss my cats. I'm trying not to worry about using too much of my FMLA leave before my baby is born. I'm just trying to let go and realize that nothing I can do at this point other than following doctor's instructions is going to change things.

Bed rest is really much more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm not allowed to get up on my feet except to go to the bathroom and I can take a 5 minute shower once a day. Today I finally got permission to go on wheelchair rides twice a day around the hospital, which is thrilling, as I hadn't left my room since Saturday (when I moved to a bigger room). It's fun getting to see the babies all swaddled up. They look like little burritos. I'm getting a little bit stir crazy. I'm starting up deep conversations with my nurses and talking a little bit too much to the cleaning staff. I feel sick at the idea that I'm not getting to put the finishing touches on my baby girls room--instead, Corey is having to do those things on his own or with the help of my family. It's hard to give up control of something like that for me. And I can't think of a time in my life when I've felt such an urge to do so many things--definitely that nesting instinct kicking in. It's hard handing it over to others, and I really appreciate all that they are doing to help. 

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of support I've received from friends, family members and coworkers. My room is beginning to look like a floral shop. I rarely spend anytime alone without my family around. My husband has been a rock star throughout this whole experience. Overall, the staff here is incredible and so warm and caring. I feel very lucky that me and Gracie are where we are.

My mom has been amazing--she has done all of the laundry for the Newborn and 0-3 month clothing, and all of the sheets and blankets. She has also been helping us with our laundry and so many other things. She spends the night when Corey needs a break (starting a new job in the midst of all of this has been an interesting challenge-lucky he really likes it and the people there are great). My sister has been so great--she gets my mind off of things, she brought me a computer charger because mine currently doesn't work, she brought me great magazines to read and Designing Women DVDs. My dad comes over to the hospital and spends a lot of time with me--he tells me stories and makes me laugh and helps get me centered. My husband has been so sweet and amazingly supportive. I have never loved him more than I do right now. He got me roses for Valentine's Day. We had a romantic Italian dinner last night to celebrate Valentine's Day and the fact that we haven't had a baby yet (woohoo!). We had our favorite dessert and talked about how someday, we would tell Corey about how special this Valentine's Day before her birth was. Last night Corey climbed into my hospital bed and spooned me and Gracie for quite a few hours--eventually he had to go to the cot because the bed can be pretty small, especially when shared with a 8 1/2 month pregnant lady. My blood pressure is consistently lower when he is here.

A couple of nights ago, Corey and I met with the NICU Nurse Practitioner for about an hour. She went over a ton of information and was very helpful--a few things she said stood out, though. One funny thing--she said for a baby to either avoid or be discharged from NICU, they have to act like a "grown up baby." Then she had a whole list of things that defined a grown up baby for them. For some reason, that made me giggle. She also said that if our baby had been born at 34 weeks and 6 days, it's hospital policy that they have to go to NICU. At 35 weeks, it then becomes more about how the baby does and not about their age. Finally, she said that baby girls are much stronger than baby boys. They tend to do better than their male counterparts if they are born early.

I think Grace is a fighter. I think she is a very strong, smart girl. And I know that I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. I can't wait (but I really can wait so don't get any ideas) to meet her.  

--Elizabeth

34 Weeks!

Well, I'm behind on things--it's been a busy couple of weeks. All in all, it has been a really great time. I plan to do a post soon about the baby shower (which was awesome!) and I'm also planning to add some of the pictures of my bump which we've been taking all too infrequently. I also want to do a post with updated pictures of the nursery. These should all be coming before too long. The end of pregnancy is exhausting and crazy busy.
Total Weight Loss/Gain: At my appointment last week, I had gained 23 pounds.
Size of Baby: The baby is size of a durian! I have no idea what that is, but it is in the picture above.The average baby at 34 weeks can weigh anywhere from 4.2 pounds to 5.8 pounds and measures about 17.2 to 18.7 inches. So there is lots of variation at this point, but I would venture a guess that Gracie is somewhere around 4 pounds (I'm hoping for 4.2!) and may be that long. We do a growth ultrasound tomorrow, so I will have a better idea then.
 Maternity Clothes: Yes. And I still don't feel like I own enough of them, but I don't want to waste anymore money on these clothes. I'm sick of everything I've been wearing. I'm also getting really close to the point where I don't care what people think and I'm going to start wearing yoga pants to work. I'm already lucky enough to work in a place where I can wear jeans everyday, but somehow that seems like too much effort lately.

Sleep: I slept a lot this weekend, which was great. I haven't been sleeping through the night very often but I did on both Saturday and Sunday night (and Saturday was after sleeping through a good part of the day). I went into the week feeling better than I have in a long time, but returned to my old habits and came home exhausted and was up from 3-6 this morning.
Movement: The whole getting up at 3 AM? Has a lot to do with the cha-cha that Gracie was doing on my bladder. She was a dancing machine last night.
Cravings: Mexican Food.
What I miss: Being able to breathe easy. Breathing has become a difficult task lately. And I'm going to be totally honest, another thing that is becoming more and more difficult--getting myself up off of the toilet after one of my millions of trips to the bathroom to pee. So yeah, not feeling like I've exerted a herculean effort by getting myself off of the toilet would be good.
Gender:  Still a girl, hopefully. People keep telling me stories about people who found out that they were having a boy after thinking the whole time they had a girl on the way. Which is a lovely thing to tell a pregnant woman with about 300 dresses and piles of pink girly things in the nursery.
Mood: Much better. I feel very relieved that we've got a lot of sources of stress figured out.
Milestones: Um, I can't think of any that I haven't already talked about--we had our shower on the 28th, which was wonderful. Also, with hitting 34 weeks, there is an added feeling of relief that unless something else is wrong, in most cases there are no long-term issues with babies born at this point (beyond staying in the hospital for a little bit longer).
Another really cool thing I read today--babies at this point can recognize and react to simple songs if their mamas are singing them. They have found that if you sing them the same song after they are born, they may find it soothing. Sounds like Gracie will be getting some awesomely inappropriate lullabies-every baby loves Radiohead, Ryan Adams and Rihanna, right?
Medical concerns: I'm still going every week for my amniotic fluid check, and this week they will also be checking growth. I'm praying that everything will look okay.
I'm fairly annoyed with my OB's office--they have a habit of making clerical errors and then giving me inaccurate information. Having to spend lot of time there makes it more difficult to overlook the things that have been a little bit annoying up until this point--now they are just downright frustrating and I don't have a very good filter these days. About 3 weeks ago, my doctor said we would be lucky to get to 34 weeks  (check!). A couple of weeks ago she said she would feel really good if we got to 36 or 37 weeks in spite of the fact that the perinatologist said there wasn't anything wrong with the amniotic fluid. Last week, they scheduled me for the crappy ultrasound machine, so the numbers weren't that accurate and I don't feel confident about the fact that they keep having the same tech do the ultrasounds over and over again. I'm just feeling a little bit powerless and unsure of what to do.
Last week, my doctor scheduled a c-section for me at 39 weeks. Gracie is still breech, and my doctor acts as if it is not a possibility that she could change positions. We will see about that--Gracie is fairly stubborn and doesn't like being told what to do (this is my impression of her so far anyway). Dr. O said she just wanted to make sure to schedule it to avoid running into issues with not being able to get me on the schedule if we need to do it then. She pointed out that 39 weeks would put us at March 13th and my wonderful husband immediately said that we couldn't do the 13th. We could do March 14th or the 12th but the 13th wasn't an option. He knows I'm crazy and superstitious and a 13 just wouldn't do--I appreciate him saying it so I didn't have to. She got me on the schedule for 3/14. Nothing is certain at this point, but it's kind of crazy to know that it could happen then.
Symptoms: I'm definitely feeling the nesting instinct--it's not necessarily effecting my urge to clean--that sounds too hard and exhausting--LOL. I just want to get everything in order. I want to have enough time and energy to wash all of her clothes and sheets. I want to get the hospital bag together and feel terribly behind that I haven't done so already. I want to buy everything left on her registry that we really need, and get the birth announcement address list together and start addressing envelopes. It's hard to do these things when there are monetary concerns.  I want to get our taxes done so we can get our refund. Despite getting a ton of things done last week, the list keeps on growing and it's hard to accomplish all of it when I feel so exhausted by work alone. A phone call after work can honestly wipe me out. The stress of the last couple of weeks has probably added to that feeling.
All I can say is that it is definitely understandable if a woman doesn't want to work up until her due date. If it wouldn't get in the way of my spending lots of time with Gracie once she is here, I'd be totally ready to check out of work right now and just focus on getting everything else done.

What I look forward to: I'm looking forward to our appointment tomorrow. I'm also feeling a little nervous about it. I'm looking forward to checking off some more things on my long list of things to do. On Saturday, I go to get the car seat inspected to make sure we got it installed right.

Anything else you would like to share/vent about:
Our baby girl has a room full of wonderful gifts from amazing people who already love her. We have everything that we absolutely need for her to come home--diapers, diaper genie, diaper bag, an unbelievable amount of cute clothes, tons of sheets and toys and books and stuffed animals, car seat, etc. She is one lucky, loved little girl and we feel like a very lucky family.
My wonderful husband got two job offers last week. He accepted the second one, which was his first choice out of many that he was looking at--he will be a restaurant manager at one of my favorite places to eat! He will be starting tomorrow. I'm so proud of my hardworking husband and I am so grateful that he has this wonderful opportunity!

Elizabeth

Short Update on Amniotic Fluid Levels, etc.

On Wednesday, Corey and I went to our appointment with Dr. O. First we had an ultrasound--it's with the same lady who has done the ultrasounds the last two times at their office, and got the levels around 7 cm both times (before we went to the perinatologist). She measured and got 8 this time. So I guess the conclusion I draw as far as the reason in the difference in measurement is that it is either because they have better equipment at the perinatologist's office or it is related to human error/the fact that it isn't an exact science. My doctor wants me to continue to come in once a week for ultrasounds and visits with her, but said that as long as the number doesn't drop, things should be fine.

From what I've read, it's pretty normal for the amount of amniotic fluid to get lower the further along you get in pregnancy, so I think it is good that my doctor wants to keep a close eye on it. I'm trying to be diligent about drinking lots of water, getting enough rest and paying attention to movement. Luckily, Gracie has been moving around a LOT over the past week, so I'm not having to worry too much.

Our main goal is to get to 36 weeks-they say that is when most babies have lungs that are developed enough to go home at the same time as Mom. That is only 25 days away, which is a little scary, but at the same time, very reassuring.

Corey has 4 interviews in the next week for jobs that he is really interested in, all of which I think would be great opportunities for him. Please pray that the right job comes along for him! I'm so proud of him and I know he will be an awesome addition to whatever company he goes to work for.

I'm looking forward to my shower tomorrow!

Have a good weekend!

Elizabeth

32 Weeks

Total Weight Loss/Gain: I'm pretty sure I've gained around 17 pounds. I will know for sure tomorrow.

Size of Baby: On average, babies weigh as much as a jicama at 32 weeks.  

Maternity Clothes: Yes

Sleep: Not great. Between lots of stress and allergies and hip/back pain, I'm not getting a lot of sleep.  

Movement: It feels much lower down now. She gets the hiccups ALL the time. In general, I typically am feeling less hard kicks--most of the time I'm mainly feeling like she is tumbling-several smaller movements in a row; or it feels like a fluttering.  I think she just has less room to move around.

Cravings: Girl Scout cookies. I'm eating a lot of them. They are delicious.  

What I miss: I'm not a big drinker, but after the last couple of weeks, I could really use a margarita. Not much longer to wait!

Gender:  Baby Girl Gracie :)

Mood: All things considered, I would say that my mood is pretty good. I have good days and bad days.  

Milestones: We've now had our childbirth/infant care class, a breastfeeding class, and our first freak out/unnecessary trip to Labor and Delivery. It's been busy.

Medical concerns: See my last post. I'm still concerned about the amniotic fluid being low/our baby possibly being on the small side, but overall, I'm feeling much more calm about everything.

Symptoms: It's crazy how much the 3rd trimester is reminding me of the first trimester. I'm SO tired. I'm pretty weepy sometimes. I have actually been dealing with a little bit of nausea. I just feel really sloshy most of the time, and like there is not enough room in my stomach for any food even though I'm really hungry. I keep eating, though. My heartburn and my constant peeing have gotten better, though--I'm hoping this means that baby may have changed positions!

What I look forward to: I'm looking forward/nervous about my ultrasound/dr's appt tomorrow. I'm also really excited for my shower this weekend! I feel very grateful for my wonderful sister and friends.

Elizabeth