Two posts in one week!

As Mickey would say, "Hot Dog!"

We are in the process of planning Grace's birthday party. I have visions of a perfect day, our house clean as a whistle, everyone getting along, eating and enjoying. The kids are getting along well and playing, and Grace is having the time of her life.

I have plans to make heart decorations using scrapbook paper and brads and string to hang them from the ceiling.

I also plan to make cookies, cupcakes, and a smash cake for Grace, all incorporating our heart theme (since her birthday is the day after Valentine's Day). I've also been hoping that I could get fingerpaint and make Valentines for Corey and the Grandparents using Gracie's thumbprints, and also making Valentines that way for all of our guests.

The reality? I already know this is not going to go quite as smoothly. There is no way my house is going to appear clean and pristine. We had thought about hiring a maid to come clean beforehand, but I haven't gotten around to calling her, and now I'm feeling like I'd almost rather us spend time on a day off trying to clean it ourselves. I'm honestly kind of embarrassed to have someone clean our house--I always feel like they are going to find cat hair or a cheerio in some obvious place I've overlooked and judge me. We have a crawling baby who throws everything around within less than one minute of being in the house. Our cats have destroyed our couches, which now have clawmarks all over them, and we can't quite afford new ones yet (I'm also not sure how I will keep them from clawing new couches).

Our house is somewhat small, so I'm not sure how exactly everyone is going to fit inside, and I'm praying that it will be amazing weather in mid-February, when in all-actuality, mid-February is pretty much the only time in Central Texas when I can remember getting snow.

I know I probably won't have the time or energy to make my scrapbook paper hearts, and if I do, they will probably look like crap. I may get around to making cookies or cupcakes and a smash cake, but probably not both and all of the other things I'm planning on baking/making.

It's quite likely that I'm going to buy the fingerpaints at the store and never get around to making Valentines or attempt it and give up because Grace is a baby and probably not the best at fingerpainting. She is good at putting her fingers in her mouth, though.

I will probably at some point in the hours leading up to the party break down in tears because I'll be overwhelmed by all I have left to do. And also, because I will be realizing that we are throwing a birthday party for our daughter who is ONE YEAR OLD. Holy moly.

 What can I say? My heart is in the right place. I hope our friends and family won't judge us for our crappy couches or the cheerios that will most likely be on the floor. And if the decorations are all store bought and the cookies don't taste quite done, I hope they won't think we are the worst hosts ever.

Well, I'm pretty much the worst blogger ever...

But it's just because I've been too busy being a mom and wife and working full-time. I guess that's not really an excuse, because lots of women do all of those things AND keep up with their blogs, and let me tell you - I'm impressed ladies!

I've had a pretty hard time finding balance. I tend to feel really good about how I'm doing if I have a holiday at work and get a 3 day weekend, or if I'm able to take some PTO. Otherwise, I constantly feel like I'm failing at something. This is where I go down my laundry list of things I'm not doing very well. I'm either losing touch with my friends or I'm totally forgetting a procedure at work (that I helped develop, no less) or we are eating fast food/Digiorno's pizzas for a week. There are definitely entire stretches of time where I don't really talk to Corey about anything but Grace.

I'm late to work A LOT. I can't remember the last time I did anything resembling working out. I don't drink nearly enough water. It has never taken me so long to get thank you notes out after Christmas and my birthday as it did this year. I watch a little bit too much reality television.

But when I look at Gracie, I feel like we are definitely doing something right.

She is so smart. And beautiful. And funny.

And CHEERFUL!

She is busy. She loves to play. She loves to eat. She has quadrupled her weight since she was born. She smiles more than she cries. She loves to be read to. She says Mama, Dada, occasionally says Papaw (or Bapaw). She says Hi and Yeah. She claps and waves. She loves to dance. She crawls all over the place. She loves the cats. She LOVES people. Most of all, her family.

She is especially attached to me, Corey, Pinky, Papaw, Meredith and Cam. She is interested in other babies. She has a new cousin, adorable Claire (Meredith and Cam's baby) and she seems interested in her, although a little cautious (this is a good thing). This weekend when she saw her, she waved!

She is a flirt. She loves to go out in the world and see other people. It can be embarrassing at times, because we will be in a waiting room/store/restaurant and Gracie will stare someone down until they look back at her and then smile big (often tilting her head to the side, which is pretty much the cutest thing ever).

Being her mom is truly the best thing ever. I love her so much it hurts sometimes. I often find myself missing her at night when she is sleeping in her crib. Some nights I creep into her room and watch her. Other nights, afraid of waking her, I sit in our room and watch her in the monitor or watch videos or look at pictures of her on my iPhone. The love I feel for her is unmatched by any emotion I have ever felt in my life.

I find myself doing things I never really envisioned doing before. I make a lot of her food myself. I never quite pictured myself staying up late to puree peaches and green beans, but it makes me so happy to hear her "mmmm" after she tastes it! I spent months researching the best car seats to buy. I send texts/post on facebook a ridiculous amount of pictures of Gracie.

There are certainly times when I feel like I'm failing as a mom.There are days when I only see her for about an hour and half that she is awake. That breaks my heart. It doesn't seem fair, and I don't know how to fix it. All I can do is pray and work hard so that maybe, by the time we have baby #2 I will be able to stay home with both of them.

 And hopefully, Grace won't be 15 by that time. It's hard to pay down debt and work so much, but I feel good that we are providing for our family and we are ultimately so lucky because my mom is able to take care of Grace.

There is another kind of guilt that goes along with that - I often feel like I'm keeping my mom from things that she needs/wants to do instead. She would never say that, and she has a very special bond with Gracie, but I know there are times where it is a difficult balancing act for her, too. We are so grateful for the time she spends with Grace and I know Gracie loves it. Every time I tell her we are going to Pinky's house, she pumps her legs.

There are these really special moments everyday. I feel like every age is more fun than the last. When I was pregnant, I would have these visions of dancing with my daughter, and now we do. It's really special and makes me so happy. She gives me kisses now. She is reacting more and more everyday to the stories we read her. I feel so lucky to be able to dress her every morning. It is seriously one of the best parts of having a little girl. The clothes are so precious and fun. She puts up with it all, and seems to like some of the outfits.

There is so much joy in seeing her with Corey. He loves her so much, and she loves him right back. She gave him a hug the other day. She loves to hear Corey play guitar, and he plays for her almost everyday. She reaches out and strums the strings.

 He is fiercely protective of her, but also plays with her in a way that only a daddy can--he throws her in the air and takes her on crazy unwieldy wagon rides and tickles her 15 times a day. They are so cute together, it makes my heart sing.

In less than a month, Grace will be One Years Old. In some ways, I feel like that is completely unbelievable. I also feel like I cannot remember what life was like before her (and I don't want to). She makes our family feel complete.

She gives me purpose, and drive. She is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to us and I feel so grateful to be her mommy.

I'm going to do my best to write more. I have been keeping up pretty well with her baby book, but I like the idea of updating here, too. Because I can never express enough how much I love Grace and how happy I am that she is in our life.

Love,

Elizabeth